Michael Steven Wilson

Michael,

Havent wrote loads to you for ages ((except in text)) so just thought id write and let you know whats going on basically.
Well, to start with its your birthday tomorrow. Hope youve got something planned up there, getting drunk on your vodka and orange with all the angels! 26 mind.. getting old now aye haha!! Wish you were here to celebrate with us. Its horrible, every year going out to your grave to lay flowers and cards. We shouldnt have to do that, its not fair:(

Um, im not doing to well to be honest. Im struggling alot lately. Nobody knows though, because i just pretend i am. sometimes, you can see the sadness in my eyes though. Ive been trying to hide things with alcohol. i know its not the best, but it helps me forget for a bit, know what i mean? On the plus side, i havent self harmed in a while.. i think thats why im drinking. because id prefer to get drunk everyday, then cut myself, and i know everyone would rather me do neither, but i need to forget, i need to escape for a while. im close to breaking point. i dont tell anyone cus i dont want to upset them:(
 I had my operation, they took my appendix out and it went well, even now im sore though. and seeing my scars upsets me, because it makes me feel even uglier and disgusting then i already do. thank you for being there with me. i had a picture of you in my hand the whole time, i know you were looking after me. I was so scared to go in, just incase i didnt wake up like you didnt, so i cried and panicked.. but deep down, i didnt want to make it out. im constantly thinking of just ending everything, ending the pain, theres only so much someone can take, you know? and im at breaking point.. im just trynna pick myself up, for everyone else's sake!! 
- on the plus side, i got into Level 3 Access to Music, and got A*s in my Level 2 Performing Arts.. i hope thats made you proud. i am trying michael, i really am trying just to make you proud!!

Things are so tough, but ill get through them.. eventually!! theres a part of me ill never ever get back. and i still wake up having nightmares back to the day you left us. i still see you, laying there. lifeless!! no one being able to help you, as we all cried and said what we had to say! :'(

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND MORE MICHAEL! YOU ARE THE BEST BROTHER EVER, AND I COULDNT OF ASKED FOR ANYONE BETTER TO BE MY BROTHER! I PROMISE I WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE YOU PROUD, AND I PROMISE I WILL GET BETTER! I PROMISE, I PROMISE, I PROMISE!!! hope you're sleeping well. speak soon, and ill see you at your new home tomorrow. i love you bro xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Hi babe,just thought I would let you know how court went, gem has been put on tag which means she has to be in from 7 at night till 7 in the morning which is not the best because of going judo which she can't do now plus jack porters 18th birthday party which she is gutted about but it's better that than going prison plus she got 200 quid to pay which is a fine and costs,just the baddie people get away with it again we just got to wait for karma to come round for them I think,but good news all round really.
love you Michael always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Hiya babe,just thought I would let you know gem got court tomorrow for hitting these girls that has been giving Victoria loads of crap over the last year,it's so wrong she getting done and there not,it's always the bad gays that get off and the good ones get in trouble I am scared  with what could happen tomorrow she was only helping Victoria out like you would for your sister,I no I'm scared and I no gem is can you please watch over her tomorrow and don't let any thing bad happen Michael please I don't no hwifi will cope or gem,I will let you know how she gets on,
i love you Michael with all my heart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hiya michael,thought i would let you know that victoria is in hospital again with her tummy they have gave her a scan and found she got a cyst on her ovaries and if she still in pain tomorrow there going to put a camera in her belly button so i hope that will show some thing well if they do it you know what hospital are like,can you watch over her babe please she dont like being there on her own,
im off to bed now im hanging,love you so much i always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Well I went to a party tonight with 2 of the girls I thought it might help to take my mind off of tonight and tomorrow but it didn't work all I was thinking about was you and what I was doing 8 years ago tonight,and I been doing that every year since you left us Michael no can still see every thing that went on why won't it go away ? 
I never want you or your memory to go away but I just don't like remembering what I was doing its the worse day of my life if only I knew then what I no how I could of saved you I will always blame myself for not saving you I should knew what to do or what was wrong but I never WHY didn't I no what to do?????? 
Well we will all be out with you tomorrow like we are every year I think when the girls get older and moves out I don't no if they will still come out but I no me and your dad will!
i love you Michael I always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi babe,just thought I would let you know auntie dee,s day went really well there was so many people there it was standing room only just like at yours uncle mark and all the kids done auntie dee proud they all looked the part  the wake was great,I do hope you waus watching over us all ,
dee you look after Michael for me it's nice to know he got a auntie up there watching out for him,at least you both got each other to watch football and shout over who wins Man U or Liverpool  haha,both of you sleep tight look after each other love you both loads always xxxxxxxx 

Omg what a bloody bad day I've had.
1.things went wrong in the salon which put my day off,
2.i didn't get home the time I needed to be home so I was rushing around to take the girls to see auntie dee in the chapel of rest.
3.when we came out from seeing auntie see those girls that has been picking on Victoria was out side with 4 mates,one of them had a brick in there hand ready to chuck it at us or the car,they started shouting some thing I didn't take any notice what they said then as I drove off one of the girls punched me wing mirror luckily tshe didn't break it,then when I got home dad came in just after and said there was a dent in the back of the car so I went out and they have bricked my car,so not happy now that's going to cost us loads to sort out I have rang the police I will ring them again tomorrow if I don't hear any thing.
4.the dog Sophie not well she been being sick all day so had to take her to the vets which just cost me 60 quid and if she don't get any better she will have to go back and be put on a drip,where is all this money coming from I don't no.i so need help right now!

im feeling so crap no body is helping do this it seems like its being left to me every thing saying that Victoria has done some house work this week.kelly washed my bedding today as Sophie been sick all over it,but other then that it's left to me dad just not helping at all just keeps saying this needs doing that needs doing I'm so fed up with everything right now I been fighting back my tears the last couple of days,my whole body is hurting I'm taking so many tablets plus my morpine and it's still not helping,I got a meeting just over a weeks time cuz I put in for dla but they said I'm not bad enough for it so I got to fight for it I just hope I get it so if you can help in any way babe please do I can't take much more in my life and this month is not the best for me with it being your angel day it's always hard for me to cope with even the smallest thing upset me in April it had since you passed away! I love you so much Michael and I miss you 24/7 I just want my life  to be easier  please!
nite nite son love you see you in the morning xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Well auntie dee didn't make 6 weeks let alone 6 months babe,I can't believe she gone I went and seen her yesterday and yeah her breathing was bbut less then 24 hours later and she gone,hope you both can meet up and look after each other,please watch over uncle mark and the kids it's a really bad time for them all I will always love and miss her,take care babe love and miss you always xxxxxxxxxx

Hi babe,I thought I tell you we had some very sad news today auntie dee only got about 6 months to live she got cancer of the brain,it's so sad she is only 50 as well life is so not fair,please watch over uncle mark and the kids but most of all auntie dee I'm going round to see her tomorrow I wish I could take it all away.
love you son always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Well very proud of my daughter she stealing to blackmail me,we'll its not going to work I will not have that bitch in my house,
victoria told me if I don't let her in the house I got to put her in care well I'm not doing that for a start,if she wants to then can do it I will not have any thing to do with it,I will not tell any body that I'm kicking her out and making her homeless because she won't be.thats some thing to be proud of ain't it I'm meant to be her world I mean so much to her and all she can do to me is blackmail me well that don't make me feel loved at all that makes me a shit mum I'm so worthless now,I will motive give in aher have that bitch in my house ever!
loads of things has gone on with Victoria and this bitch but she think she bloody great well she ain't she evil but she can't see it she will learn the very hard way!
im off to sleep now babe if I'm unlucky to wake in the morning!love you son always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

hi babe, we really need help here with Victoria how she is behaving it’s so bad that I just wanted to kill her yesterday so did dad how she spoke to us, she  deciding what she wants to do not what we are telling her I’m so fed up with her there was a big argument here last night dad walked out in the end and came to see you to calm down,im glad he has gone to Holland to have a few days away from here,victoira is upstairs now with music loud trying to piss me off all because I won’t let her have her phone back or let her out it’s not going to work all I will be doing is packing her bags for good I’m not putting up with her shit any more she got to learn that she is a kid not the parent if she acted like a grownup then I would treat her like one but she not she acting like a spoilt little brat. If you can come and talk to her in her sleep and tell her to grow up that would help.

Look after dad and Kelly while there away please Kelly is fighting on Sunday if you would like to go and watch and there back on Monday.

Love you son always till we meet again

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the worse day of my life has arrived 7 years ago you were taken from us there is not a day goes by i dont miss you i will always miss you till we are back together again,you should of never been taken away from me michael no parents should have to see there childen die before them that is just so wrong,i cant say any thing new today that i havent said before,you would think it would be eariser by now being 7 years on but i can tell you its not i would say its worse as each day/year goes by as iv not seen or heard you not been able to give you a kiss cuddle tell you i love you to your face see you in your bed,i miss you so much michael i will always love and miss you till we meet again babe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi babe, Kelly fighting in a big judo Competition on Sunday in Sheffield she normally fights in 57kg but she only 54/53kg but she been on my diet for the last 2weeks to try and get her down to 52kg she fights better in this weight group, only trouble is we don’t know if she got down to that weight yet till she weighs in on Sunday morning. Also I don’t know if she is up to this  Competition either I don’t normally think like this but she just isn’t in to her judo right now I really hope I’m wrong and she will prove me wrong I really do, if you can help her out and watch over her I would be very grateful babe.

We leaving here about dinner time tomorrow to go up Sheffield staying overnight it makes it better for Kelly she gets a good night sleep then, I won’t as the other 3 girls will be home and I don’t like leaving them. I will let you know how she gets on; I don’t know if I will get internet up there to light your candles though I will try.

Nite nite son

Love you see you

In the morning

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Hi Michael, just letting you know that Kelly is off to Holland tomorrow for judo she will be fighting Saturday. She is traveling by coach so it’s a long well. Will you please look after her for me and dad we couldn’t afford for dad to go this time I wish we could I don’t like her going without dad there I know she safe then that might be silly because I know she is safe but you know what I mean ha-ha.

Can you go and cheer her on please as we won’t be there she needs to hear a voice she knows we really hope she does well this is a big thing for her. Right I’m off to bed now as I got to get up in the morning and make Kelly some dinner to take as she going at 8am.

Oh if you can hear me taking to you when I’m in bed if you could try and do some of the things I asked for that would be great sorry to keep on but that’s nothing new for me is it ha-ha

Love you son always will till we meet again

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hi michael,thought i would let you know were going to have a new years eve party the 1st one since you passed away,its going to be hard but i feel like its time to move on,we dont normally do any thing new year sit and watch tv or go bed early but this year were going to party i would like to think you will be here with us party hard just like you used to,me and the girls are looking forward to it you know what dads like he just goes along and be missable just like he is with xmas he does my head in but hes always like it so nothing new there!
i hope grandad had a good birthday did you wish him happy birthday from us all!
nite nite son
love you see
you in the morning xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hi michael,yet another christmas without you we try and enjoy our self every year there is always a part of us that wont let us go all the way,we will be thinking of you all day like always.
i love you michael always will till we meet again son
miss you 24/7 always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Karen had a phone call tonight and it was your auntie Karen asking to speak to me, she ask if I could go down and speak to Luke because he was breaking his heart so I went down, this is the first time he cried since you died babe. He feels he let you down not coming up to play your play station with you he thought he would do it the next day but unknown to any of us you didn’t make it, he is giving his self a really hard time over it all he can see is the bottom of a bottle. That helps kill the pain from not coming up to see you and you dying, he can’t seem to move on with his life this keeps holding him back. I told him that he never let you down, he don’t understand why he started crying tonight I said its more than likely you have come to him to tell him to move on with his life and stop drinking, please visit him tonight in his dreams and tell him to move on babe.

Keep him safe please I know I don’t see him but I do love him.

Love you son so much always will till we meet again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pretend I added this bit in before the end bit.

As you know I want a lovely tattoo representing you, Mum and Dad. Please try and get their head to say I can have it done soon. I really want it, it's just been in my head for so long.
I'm sure you'd like it, and you've probably seen me draw it like a hundred times.
It'll be a rainbow (represented good and bad) and three butterflies (representing 3, beautiful people)


THE END haha.


love you always, sleep peacefully!
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Hello you! as you know, I was writing on here before we went on holiday and Karen shut it down without realising or even asking so I got really upset. I'm sure you still read what I put, having a sneeky look over my shoulder.

I'm not too sure what to say but I'm gonna blabber for you - which you've missed, cause I never shut up.

First thing I wanna say is, I wish you were still here and could've met Jordan. He's lovely, although he can be a nause. Gem reckons you two would've got on really well bless you. Be having wars over the playstation, or you'd probably have a xbox now (you probably do up there) and even with the football. As you probably know he supports Liverpool, the amount of banter you would have its funny to think really.

Also, Karen's still with Tim. You may still remember him, he says he remembers you. He's a pain in the ass but I'm sure you would've sorted him out and told him to shut up! That's what I feel like doing constantly. Every time he's round he just gets on my nerves and I just hide in my room. I don't know why, but at the moment I have no patients. Karen misses you, and will randomly burst out crying because of it. Sort her back out please, it's forever hurting her (so she says?!)

Vic, is Vic. Not really sure what's going on with her life because she never opens up :( I hope you're looking out for her. She seems to break down alot about you being gone. Although you're not with us, you still are - forever in our hearts. She's started going judo again, she's doing well at it. She just needs to keep going and fight through it all. I'm so glad she's out of Kingsfield now, they are such immature little kids up there. As you know mum went mental!! She's so happy in her new school, so much more mature and she's predicted to come out with C grades. Keep with her Michael - she needs you.

Gem is also, just Gem. She's a pain in the ass but look out for her please, help her sort her head out. Be that 'voice' in her head guide her properly. Her knee is slowly getting better, whilst the other is getting worse. She's smoking, drinking coke and eating loads... Sort her out Michael, beat her up again.

Mum's just coping me thinks, visit her in her dreams. Make her happy please. Her necks hurting her something chronic, she can't even walk around town without being in pain. She's losing weight and doing very well - almost a stone now WOOOP. She just keeps saying she's going to give up... We're trying to push her more and more, getting her to do extra exercises on the wii fit, doing it for a little longer. She's doing so well bless her - hope she sticks at it. Although she don't get to eat everything, or it's a pain in the ass but she's doing everyone so proud.

Dad's just Dad, old and grumpy. As Mum likes to say, he's just like Grandad. He started doing circuits, but couldn't do much. The second time he tried it, he hurt himself :( so he hasn't gone back. Repair him and sort him out get him going again.. I'm sure he'd like it. We were watching the football earlier, bet you were too you lucky jammer - bet you had a good seat aswell. Bet you're at every match you can.

I know I'm asking for a lot but please look out for everyone, you're who everyone thinks about no matter what.

Oh one more person; can you pleeease look out for Jack. I'm sure he has his Nan looking out for him and stuff but he's in Afghanistan fighting for our country. He's nuts but is making everyone proud. Make sure he keeps safe please.

Anyway, now I'm going to talk about MEEE!

In August I got my GCSE results back, passing them all. I got quite a few C grades, 2 B grades in English and my A* in sport. I hope you were proud of me, I was so pleased that I passed them all. I cried before, during and after every exam I sat where I worried so much. I didn't even need too.
Getting those grades meant I got myself a place in filton doing a BTEC sport course which is equivilent  to 3 A-Levels. HAPPY DAYS. I'm not sure whether to go to uni at the moment, getting abit fed up of all the assignments and stuff. It'll be ok, work out in the end. Maybe I'll win the lottery and be able to help Mum and Dad out. Even when I'm older, got a job, as long as I have some money I'ma give some to them. They've done so much for me, although they may not think it, I do really appriciate it.
I'm working in Next as a sales assistant over the Christmas period. I'll be looking for another job in January, I need to have some money rolling in! But atleast I got this job to put on my CV to then back me up for another job.
You probably see me, but I'm learning to drive now. wooo! It's so exciting but it's really strange. Weird to be in the drivers seat. Hopefully it won't be too long until I pass my test. I've told Vic she'll have to pay me if she wants me to drive her anywhere. I'm such a scrooge but that way she won't take advantage ;) good thinking eh?
Oh and I'm on the England squad, although I'm on it I'm not 'the best' but I'll get there one day. And I still wear my black belt proudly with your name and dates on the back! It's for you!

Christmas is a week today, another one without you. Mum and Dad will be on a downer but will try to be happy for us girls. I'll come out to see you. I'm sorry I don't come out very often but I just don't really know. I'll be there though - I bought you this awesome little card thing today, it's cute. And is just how we feel. 3 weeks today it'll be new years day - 2 years spent with Jordan but another year without you :( It doesn't get easier, we just learn to cope. I know I don't cry all the time, and don't show that I miss you but I do. I really do, but I need to do my own stuff, you'll never be forgotten and you'll always be in my heart. Even when I have kids, I'll tell them all about their uncle Michael. You'll be remembered for generations.

I've signed up to the organ donation thingy me bob, cause I wanna save lives when my time is over. I've signed up to the give blood, also to save someone else's life. And next year, even if it is just once I am going to sign up to give bone marrow. I hope it helps someone, and I hope you're proud of me. I'm only like this because you and Karen recieved kidneys from others but it means something to me. If I can save someones life, my life is better. It'll make me feel great!

I'm not too sure what to say now so I'm going to finish it. I hope you're ok, well and out of pain up there. If not then you should still be here! I know you're not suffering no more so that's good. If you're with Nanny, Grandad and Pampy, give them a hug and a kiss from me.. but if not, then you've probably got an angel girlfriend.

Night night, love you. See you when I get up there - you best be waiting for me!

Sleep peacefully Angel
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having a bit of a hard time michael then again nothing new there,iv pulled victoira out of school loads of shit happened last week i went up yesterday to try and sort things out but the boy walked passed me that gave her some shit and i went for him big time how i never hit him i dont no,but any way i now got to find victoira a new school which is not the best thing to do as its her last year in school i did think about schooling her at home but i cant afford it and im no good at that stuff.she has got to learn to shut her mouth which is going to be hard for her haha if you can do any thing to help i would be very greatful i so wish i had the money to move away from here that way she would get away from the little pricks that she had shit from for the last 5 years,its a long time to have to put up with the shit she had to i wish i could take her hurt away and put it all right,i know i cant but i can try and help which im trying to.any way if you can help in any way please do so!
im going bed in a bit im feeling really down.
love you michael with all my heart i always will
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as always i feel like i been used,gem can hardly walk and cant do much for her self so im helping her because she needs help plus i want to but she just told me she going down her mums tomorrow and going to her sport shit but when she gets back home she will want me running round after her because she will be in loads of pain,talk about being used well how i feel right now she can fuck off and stay at her mothers,i cant stand her family!

i love you michael i just want to die see you soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OUR DREAM

WE HAD A LOVELY DREAM LAST NIGHT

WE THOUGHT IT HAD COME TRUE

GOD SAID"I'VE MADE A BIG MISTAKE",

"YOUR SON BELONGS WITH YOU"

WE WISHED YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY

AND HELD YOU OH SO TIGHT

TOLD YOU HOW WE CRIED FOR YOU

EACH DAY AND EVERY NIGHT

THEN IN OUR DREAMS YOU SMILED

 

JUST LIKE YOU USED TO DO

YOU SAID "YOUR PAIN IS OVER NOW"

"GOD GAVE ME BACK TO YOU"

IT WAS A LOVELY DREAM WE HAD

WE SO WANTED IT TO LAST

BUT SOMETHING HAD TO WAKE US

AND OUR LOVELY DREAM HAS PASSED

MISS YOU SO MUCH

ALL OUR LOVE MUM AND DAD
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hi babe,i cant belive its your birthday tomorrow your going to be 24.even though you not been here for your  last 6 birthday it still hurts you not being here.
we will all be out with you for the time you were born like we have been the last 6 years.
love you michael with all my heart miss you so much always will till we meet again
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hiya michael,just thought i would remind you that kelly is fighting tomorrow please go and cheer her on for me as im not there i wish i was just couldnt because of money plus the other 2 girls being home on there own,i will let you know how she gets on but you will know before me because i know you will be there with her!
love you michael always will
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Hiya babe, thought I would let you know that Kelly is off to France tomorrow she doing a judo competition there she don’t fight till Sunday though, but they are all going flying out tomorrow there loads going from the club. Dad and gem is going as well the judo club is paying for gem as she the coach, I would of loved to go but I couldn’t because of the other 2 girls plus the dogs, I really hope she does well out there it will do her a world of good I know there’s loads of other people going to be there and it’s not going to be a walk over she will have to work for it.

Can you please watch over dad, Kelly and gem for me also go and cheer Kelly on she would like to hear you there with her.

love and miss you michael with all my heart always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Went up Kim and Shaun’s today babe, I couldn’t tell you before as it was a surprise it’s their 25^th wedding anniversary on Tuesday and all the kids done a surprise bbq, they sorted it all out got all the family and friends there, Jodie and rob took them out for a meal lunch time so the rest could sort the food out, we had a great afternoon/evening the kids done Kim and Shaun proud.
love you babe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

heard back from the vets well its good news and bad news,good news is the blood test came back fine,bad news is because he is still being sick they belive its a tumor only way to find that out is to have a x-ray which will cost about 80-100 quid,only thing with that is they need him a sleep which he might not wake up from,even if he did they wouldnt do any thing about the tumor because he wouldnt pull through the op where he is so weak,so there is no point going along that road,the vet said the best thing to do is have him put down he is in pain i no that his back legs is really bad some times he can hardly walk,
he been a great dog to us so the best thing we can do is put him out of pain we dont want to but thats the best thing,i wish he would pass away over night really then we know he was ready to go.
its going to be a hard day for all of us tomorrow we will all miss him so much he is a lovely dog!
if you could take him tonight that would be good,i know he will come and find you he missed you when you passed away he kept coming in your room looking for you.
love you babe missing you 24/7 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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dont know whats going on with my body right now,im in so much pain its all over from the neck down it dont matter what pills i take there not helping so tonight im going to take some strong tablets that will help me sleep im hoping they will help,i only take them on a weekend because i dont have to get up and take girls to school.

the last few morning me and dad has got up to dog mess all over the front room,kitchen its from tyson i cant be putting up with this for much longer he will have to be put down i know thats not what we want but i cant be getting up and having to wash the floors soon as i get out of bed every day,i will be telling dad if he is still doing this next week then he got to go,it will break our hearts but some thing got to be wrong for him to be doing it he never would mess in the house,he stopped barking to go out now good job in the day the back door is all ways open.

right i better get ready to take the girls to school.
love you michael
miss you with all my heart
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mum and dad been out with you all day michael we had a couple of cups of tea with you,we not done that for a long time really enjoyed been with you,hope you like what we have done to your grave ,it had be came a mess so we started from the begining again you look so much better again,you got nice lot of flowers i will put some photos on here later,

love you michael with all my heart
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 Hey hun, I know I am repeating what others have said but I cant believe 6 years has gone past since you were given your angel wings.
So very much has happened in that time hunni. Not all good I hasten to add. Your mum has had a crap 18 months health wise, and although they removed the cancer she has been left washed out and in lots of pain with her legs and back and neck. She trys to put on a brave face for your dad and sisters but she is finding life so hard. Just everyday little jobs tire her so easily. I do wish I lived nearer so I could help out, but all I can do is be on the other end of a phone for her.. and sometimes that just isnt enough. We try to catch up every so often and I am going to spend a few days quality time with her this weekend. Your sisters have grown into beautiful young ladies and you must be so proud of them all. They would give up everything just to have you back with them though. Stay close to your Mum and Dad, Karen, Kelly, Victoria and Gem today hun. I will be thinking of you all this afternoon when they visit your resting place and wishing I could be there to give them all a big hug, but unfortunately I have got Hayden for the day and a drs appointment this afternoon. 

6yrs ago today i got a phone call from your mum "out of the blue as we hadn't spoken for some time ... abit like now :( " (were so bloody stubborn the pair of us)  asking me to see to nan as she was upset  as you had been taken in to hospital ... i picked nan up and we both came to the hospital to see you ..... you were taken in to the emegency room as you were in a bad way  we were all with you me, nan, your mum and your dad there were so many other people around trying to find out what was wrong with you!!!  i rubbed your legs for you as you said that they hurt   your mum, dad and nan went out for a cigarette and i stayed with you while they were gone you said to me that you were scared i told you that you would be alright there was nothing to be scared of the doctors would make you better........ you asked me were you going to die i told you not to be so silly of course you weren't going to die..... by the time me and nan left you    you were looking alot better and as we thought you were on the mend  untill we got the phone call from your mum the nxt morning telling us that you were going in for your op  we were already on our way to see you ........ we never got to see you breathing for yourself again :(      " i'm so sorry for telling you that everything was going to be ok and that you weren't going to die " i didn't know  i so wish i had known because i would never of left you that night i would of stayed with you i so wish that i could of changed places with you that day then you would still be here and your mum, dad and your 3 sister's wouldn't have to be feeling like they do........ michael i miss you soooo much xxx i will miss and love you forever xxx rest in peace my angel xxx

 i got out of my face on saturday babe i cant belive i drank so much it took some pain away which a good thing but only thing is it dont last that long,i had bad hangover on sunday plus i was feeling like shit yesterday and today but i now no wat it is,im coming off my pills and the side effects is feeling sick,headache,dizzy i cant deal with  how it making me  feel so im going back on them for a bit waiting for dr to ring me see best way to go about it.
looks like we will have to have tyson but down very soon he is in a bad way he been a great dog to us so we got to be good to him,dads off next week and dad wants to take him that if he last that long it would be better if he would just pass way.if you could help on that michael that be great!
love you babe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Michael, guess what.. MUM GOT DRUNK TODAY HAHA! She drank two bottles of cinzano to herself and she is out of it. She said she wanted to get drunk to take away the pain, and I think the pain is from losing you.

The only good thing about you leaving us is that you are out of pain but now you've basically given us all your pain and its not fair :'( Words cant describe how much we all miss you.

I know your looking down on us, and I know you can see me crying myself to sleep pretty much everynight due to the pain of losing you. I hate living without you Michael. Knowing im not going to see your beautiful smile lighten up the room again. I live my life with so many regrets like ''Why was I so horrible to Michael?'' ''Why did I take him for granted?'' ''Why didnt I go and see him the day he went into hospital, the day before he died?'' Im so sorry for everything I promise!

I love you with all my heart. I hope you know that! You dont know how much you mean to me.. Please watch over mum, dad and the girls for me because were all finding it hard to cope, some worse than others. I dont know how Kelly and Dad holds it together, its unbelievable.

Please come and visit me in my dreams. I will never forget you, and never let go. You are the best brother in the world and you will never be replaced or forgotten.. I PROMISE!  I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART BRO!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Not spoke to you on here for a while Michael, so I thought I would write to you rather than lighting 3 or 4 candles,

Well since I finished my chemo and radio I been really tired and my joints has been  in pain some days are worse than others, I was hoping to go back to work in January  just part time  9 till 1pm but they wasn’t happy with that they wanted somebody doing my job 8 hours a day I know I’m wasn’t  up for that, so in the end they was going to find me a job well make a job up for me which would have been running round doing stuff they couldn’t be assed to do basicity I wasn’t prepare to be that person so I left. I believe they were more than happy with the outcome than I was. Since then I been being paid from the social but they think I’m well enough to go back to work which I know I’m not so I need to appeal to keep them paying me, I don’t get a lot off them any way but it do help to pay the bills,

How can I go back to work when I get so tired throughout the day doing silly little jobs around the house just brushing the floor, I don’t even go shopping if we need a big shop I do it on line, if I overdo it I can be out of action for 3 to 4 days just led in bed or on the sofa which is rubbish when I’m a very indepented person I don’t like people looking after me. well we will find out the end of this month what the outcome is, I could really do without it being this month the appeal is the 26^th as well not going to be the best.

I also been seeing the doctor a lot for all my pains plus she has been taking me off my antidepressants tablets which I been on for over 10 years been coming off slowly but that don’t help my mood I been very low the last couple of months, i felt like ended it all a few times but that’s an easy way out the best way but you know me it’s not something I would do well not now any way,

Well today been a really bad day I have felt so bad I went out earlier without telling anybody where I was going I didn’t even answer my phone I didn’t want to talk to anybody I didn’t want to be in the house, I got other things on my mind which I got to deal with and its only me that can sort it out ,it’s something that I thought I dealt with and it was well and truly buried but it seem like its not.im finding it hard to deal with as well ,you’re the only one I can talk to about it now and that’s because I know you can’t tell anybody!

I came out and seem you today hope you heard what I was told you maybe you might be able to help give me the answer I need.

Hope you understand all this I just needed to tell you about the last few months!

I can’t believe its 6 years you been gone it still seems like yesterday, I will never hear you voice again see your beautiful smile, be able to hug you kiss you I miss you so much Michael!

Love you with all my heart Michael I always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

just a quick note,its mum and dads 25th wedding anniversary next week,i was hoping to take dad away for a week some where in the sun but we havent got the money for that we were also going to have a party but not got the money for that either,so what we doing is going on the mini cruse to spain for 3 days mainly to get cheap bacci for us because we cant afford fags ( bad times ) we not got a lot of money to go with either but hey thats life for us all ways will be.
what i do want you to do if you can is watch over the girls for me,victoira having a hard time right now about you not being here and why did you have to die,i cant answer that because i ask that every day,i wish i could give her the answers!
also kelly having a hard time with her judo well she thinks she is,i think she doing well but you know kelly if she cant do it roght first time then she hard on her self so can you come and sort her out as well! so you got some work to do babe please come and sort your sisters out for me lol,
im going now babe
love and miss you so much i always will
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I was meant to be going back to work this week part time, just 3 days a week which I was looking forward to in a way, they wanted me back full time which I know I’m not ready for that and because of that I had to move jobs, they was going to get some body in to do my job I wasn’t looking forward seeing some body doing my job,

I’ve had a really bad weekend feeling so tired no energy to do anything not even cook a roast meal for the family, if I can’t do that then there is something wrong, I admitted to myself that I’m not well enough to go back to work yet, that was very hard for me when I’m a strong person nothing can beat me well this has I feel like I’ve let everybody down now I done nothing but cry this morning because of this!

I’m going back down the doctors on Friday to talk to her about how I’m feeling I’m so depressed with everything!

Love you Michael with all my heart always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hi michael,

just keeping you updated about victoira,it started on wednesday she wasnt well in the morning sent her to school like i do lol,she ended coming home dinner time as she wasnt well,by the nite time her belly was really hurting and her temp was up to39.4 which is when i thought she needed to see a doctor,went out to see dr she didnt like the look of it all so she sent us to the kids hospital to get checked out,i wasnt happy about going there but hey she needs to get sorted out,

well she had a scan and blood test yesterday the scan wasnt clear so we were told she was having another 1 done today,she had a blood test this morning but no scan so when i got there i asked about the scan to be told she not having 1 done now,

which i dont really understand if the other 1 wasnt clear,but hey im not a doctor.

we was meant to see a doctor before i comehome tonight but they never turned up so i dont no whats happening now.

she is still in loads of pain so how can they send her home if she not been sorted,some thing is wrong some where,im so pissed off.will let you no more when i do,love you michael xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees, around the world below, With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

This sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, For I am spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs, that people hold so dear, But the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, For it's beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart, But I am not so far away, we are really not apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear, And be glad I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above, I send you each a memory, of my undying love.

For after all "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold, It was always most important, in the stories Jesus told.

So please love and help each other, as my Father said to do, For I cannot count the blessings, or the love He has for you.

So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear, For I am spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place, Can you imagine Christmas, with our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit, as I tell Him of your love, So then pray for one another, as you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirits sing, For I am spending Christmas in heaven, and I'm walking with the King!